Half Century Mark . . . the rest of the story!

There are so many accomplishments that one could point to at arriving the half century mark. Lost hair, found wisdom and calming tempermant all seem to arrive with age. But the most important stepping stone and badge of honor is . . . The Colonoscopy! Columnist Dave Barry says it best here, but he did leave a few details and advice out.

For those of you too embarrassed to enjoy this post, just wait. The time will come when it will be meaningful to you. More importantly, you might be related to someone over 50 who, like Dave Barry was procrastinating the prognosticator and may need a shove. To put it simply, it isn't all that bad.

First, you set aside a day of your life to lose 5 lbs by not eating anything that requires teeth (good for preparing for the toothless times in 30 years). Your liquid diet must not include anything red in color (reason for that is explained below). So, I chose a bonus fast Sunday to do this. The program is to clean out the plumbing from all normal "waste" so the camera that winds through your inner casing is not obstructed by dark colors. It starts like you just ate food your birthday week in McCall that results in food poisoning (minus the projectile vomit). When that has pretty much cleaned you out normally, you draw upon the magical potion you received from your local pharmacist: Halflytely. In the old days, you drank a gallon of a thick, milky substance that resembled a salty milk shake. Now, the drink is light and only 1/2 gallon; hence Halflytely! This new product, when mixed with a packet of Crystal Light lemonade (not included with the batteries in this product, and don't use the flavors provided), and after chilling in the fridge for 24 hours, makes this drink almost taste like Gaterorade. Not too bad.

You drink a glass every 10 minutes, until you're done. Now, normally after a set of tennis in 98 degree weather, I have no problem downing that much liquid. Try it when you're looking forward to this event. Soon, the magical potion does its magic and, like Draino, flushes out your system. After a short while, it is like whatever you drink flows directly through you. Now, the reason you can't intake red Jello or red popcicles: This instant liquid voiding soon takes on the color of the intake. So, yes, first lemonade, then green Jello exited that portal in liquid form. If you like variety, eat green Jello, blue popcicles and Crystal Light lemonade! Then, you'll enjoy a rainbow of fun.

Really, this all wasn't so bad. And by the time I have to do it again in "about 5 years" (translated 8-10 years) according to my doctor who found everything fine, the prep-process might even be less intimidating. By then, you might just take a pill and read a book on the Throne and be done.

Now, for the process: except for the embarassing backless gown, and the nurse asking me to turn on my side and make sure I'm not resting on my gown when I am put out (so there is easy access), there is nothing else to remember. They give you a drug that puts you to sleep and makes you happy, and the next thing you know, you're trying to dress yourself in a slightly drunken stupor with your wife laughing as she watches. Perhaps the most traumatizing part is your wife having to drive you home (for her and you), with you in a drugged out state of mind.

So, if you have been putting it off, and you are "due," don't wait. You'll be glad you did. And I think I'll send away for my tacky certificate from Dave Barry.